Speak Slow
by cigarettes-and-coffee
Summary: Toby Fellows, a Muggle, is summoned to Hogwarts to research with Hermione Granger and Severus Snape. Sparks, of course, fly. But between whom?
1. Reality Blurred

Speak Slow

**Speak Slow**

**Written by Yours Truly**

**Disclaimer: I own all the characters you haven't heard of. Everything is belongs to Ms. Rowling. Mmkay?**

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**Chapter One – Reality Blurred**

_When your love let's you go_

_You only want love more_

_Even when love wasn't what you were looking for_

_Speak slow_

_Tell me, love_

_Where do we go?_

"_Speak Slow" – Tegan and Sara_

Toby Fellows sat lifeless in the lounge chair on her back deck, the only movement coming out of the lit end of her cigarette. Its smoke rose and fell with the Pacific breeze, floating up to the Heavens in which Toby would never believe. Her tight lips opened just a fragment to welcome her cigarette and, with the twirling smoke, she exhaled one whispered word.

"Fuck."

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

That's right. I said "fuck" while the chimney stack that is my cigarette slowly took my breath away. I can be poetic, too, don't you ever doubt that. So, aside from muttering obscenities under my breath, I had a lot of stuff going on. I wasn't completely lifeless. Well, maybe on the outside I was, but I had a load of shit running through my mind. I had just found out that my girlfriend of five years had been cheating on me with my male partner in the crime lab, and with _that _discovery, I also realized that I hate my job with a fiery, burning passion.

Oh, yeah... I also received a letter (by owl, WTF?) from some nutjob I read about in a book long ago. Albus fucking Dumbledore. Yeah, you're probably thinking something along the same lines that I was. You know, the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Yeah. I thought he was dead, too, but – more than that – i thought he was just a random character in some popular book! This dude's not real! So, having read every book, I was slightly interested. But only slightly. I'm not a complete nerd.

_Dear Miss Fellows,_

_I have been following your research for some time now and I believe Hogwarts would be a more than adequate place for you to continue your studies. Our Potions Master, Severus Snape, dabbles in Muggle medicine on the side. I believe the two of you would form an excellent team in whatever endeavors you may feel like exploring. If you are interested in this once in a lifetime opportunity, please await my arrival on your back deck at approximately six o'clock in the evening._

_Sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

And that was the letter. I called my best friend, Taylor, hoping that he was playing some sort of stupid trick. He wasn't. So I called my (now) ex-girlfriend and asked if she could explain herself. She was too busy at the time getting busy to talk to me. So... I wound up waiting on my back deck. Why? The reasoning is beyond me. I was waiting for a fictional character to whisk me off to a fictional location to partake in a fictional job. Why why WHY? I live in a real house with a real dog (Bret Michaels - he's an Irish Wolfhound who is totally coming with me) and a real, well-paying job. I live in Santa fucking Monica. Why would I want to leave?

Hell if I know.

I checked my watch for the fifth time that night. 5:58 PM. Two more minutes. Which gave me two minutes to try and convince myself to change my own mind. There were approximately 7.3 million reasons not to go... but I could focus on approximately none of them. In fact, if this were more than a very well-played prank, then this truly is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I mean, come on-

POP!

"Dude, what the fuck!" I leapt out of my chair and burnt myself on my nearly extinguished cigarette. There, standing right in front of me, looking completely different than he did in the movies, was Albus fucking Dumbledore. And, there, in his bright blue eyes, was that damn twinkle.

"Hello, Miss Fellows."

"Hello... Mr. Dumbledore. Um, how are you?"

"Fantastic. And yourself?"

"I'm, you know... on the floor."

"Are these your bags?" He pointed his wand at my pile of duffle bags and reduced them to fit in his pockets.

"Holy moly," I muttered, realization dawning on me. "You're real."

"Or you're high." Damn that twinkle. "Now, Miss Fellows, I'm sure you have many questions, but dinner begins in twenty-five minutes and I believe we're having chicken pot pie."

"Can't miss that pie." I pulled myself to my feet as Bret Michaels trotted out the back door. He sniffed at Dumbledore and then plopped down next to him. Stupid dog loves everybody.

"Are you ready?" he asked, looking almost impatient. Damn, he must really want that pie.

"Wait... I can't just up and leave!"

"Well, you were waiting for me, were you not?"

"Yeah, I was, but-"

"Then there are no buts, except for yours and mine. Are you ready, Miss Fellows?"

My shoulders slumped in defeat and I began rooting through the pockets of my cargo shorts, searching for my cigarettes. I felt as if I'd need them more than ever today.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**Ta-da. And that is chapter one. Deal with the lesbian. She's cool.**

**So, if ya like it, let me know.**

**If not, let me know.**

**Chapter two will be up if I get reviews.**


	2. Seven Things

Speak Slow

**Speak Slow**

**Written by Yours Truly**

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

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**Losersaywhat?**

_It's awkward and silent as I wait for you to say_

_What I need to hear now is your sincere apology_

_When you mean it, I'll believe it_

_If you text it, I'll delete it, let's be clear..._

"_Seven Things" – Miley Cyrus_

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

There she was: Twenty-six years old, lab technician for the Los Angeles Police Department, graduated from Yale when she was only 20 years old... a young prodigy. And yet, she was so vulnerable, yearning for the love that she just recently lost. Her heart was broken by a wayward soul and now Toby Fellows was searching high and low for the love of a man to heal her shattered heart.

"Bullshit."

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

The love of a man to heal my shattered heart? Yeah, right. That's exactly what I need. Yeah, my girlfriend cheated on me. Big deal. I'm a grown-up, I'll get over it. But that's not the point here. As soon as Albus fucking Dumbledore whisked me off to Hogwarts, I received a text message.

"Oh, now, what is this strange contraption?" Dumbledore queried, taking my cell phone out of my hand.

"It's a cell phone. It's what we use to get in contact with other people."

"You don't have Floo networks?"

"No. Sir, in the Muggle word, when someone says 'floo,' it's often confused with the flu. When people get the flu, they're sick. It's completely different there."

"Ah." He handed the phone back to me, his interest sated. "You've received a text message, Miss Fellows."

"Thank you, sir." I flipped open my phone and, in glaring letters, a semi-nasty message greeted me:

_Hey, baby. Sorry about last night. Dinner at 6?_

It was at this point in time where my obscene slip up occured.

"Language..."

I glanced up, my eyes heated with fury, to greet the onyx eyes of my favorite character in the book. Now, let me make this clear, I'm known to be somewhat of a fangirl. Don't get me wrong, as I said before, I'm no nerd. I am, however, a huge fan.

"Oh my GAWD! It's Snape! Snape, Snape, Severus Snape! Holy fuck nuts!"

He didn't appear even the slightest bit fazed. "Language, once again..."

"Severus, may I introduce to you your new apprentice?" Dumbledore seemed to be enjoying this way too much. "Severus, this is Toby Fellows. Toby, this is Professor Severus Snape... if you weren't aware."

"Apprentice? Albus, please reconsider your choices. I have not – nor will I ever even consider – ever had the distinct _pleasure_ of having an apprentice."

"Yeah, hold up." I sat on a nearby bench in the hallway. Judging by the giggles and chatter, we were somewhere near the Dining Hall. Of that, I was certain. "I'm gonna be Snape's apprentice?"

"Professor Snape."

"Now, now, Severus. Seeing as to how you and Toby are now equals-"

"Masters and apprentices are surely not equal."

Dumbledore continued as if he didn't hear Snape's interjection. "You two should consider addressing each other by your given names. Severus and Toby."

I paused, taking all of this new information in. I was going to apprentice with Severus Snape? I don't even have a wand! I'm not even a witch!

"On the contrary, Miss – Toby..." Snape met my questioning gaze and smirked. "I had the honor of learning under your mother's wing. She is the one who taught me everything I know."

I blinked stupidly. "Um... pardon?"

"Surely you know your own mother, Toby."

"Well, no shit, Snape. I know my mother."

"Language, _Miss_ Fellows."

"Fuck language! How do you know Mom?"

"Miss Fellows," Dumbledore interrupted, "I believe you should follow me."

I stood up in a huff, glaring at Snape as Dumbledore and I passed by. How dare he insinuate that I don't even know my own mother! Granted, she and I were never that close once I hit high school, but still... I mean, we talk. Not like we used to, but that's beside the point.

As we approached the stairway that led to Dumbledore's office ("Razzles"), the anger began to subside and a sort of giddiness took its place. I was going to be Professor Severus Snape's apprentice! Gah! How exciting is that? I was in Hogwarts! I'd only read about the wonders that existed here.

"Your dog may stay here, if you so wish." Dumbledore conjured a dog bed which Bret Michaels happily pranced to. "I'm sure Severus would not appreciate having a dog in the dungeons."

"I'm staying with Snape?"

Dumbledore did not answer. Instead, he chose to sit down and regard me with awe in his eyes. "Miss Fellows, I believe I have something I need to tell you in regards to your mother."

I sat down across from him and settled back into the rather comfy chair. "What's up, D-Dore?"

"Let us begin with my telling you never to call me that again, if you'd be so kind."

"Sorry."

"Right. Well, you heard that Severus studied under your mother."

"Yeah. He mentioned that."

"She and Severus had what your generation may call a 'fling.'" Oh, God. "About twenty-odd years ago, I wandered into Severus' chambers at a very inopportune time to find he and your mother engaged in-"

"Holy fuck nuts!"

Severus Snape is my father.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

What a grand day that turned out to be. My ex-girlfriend texted me as if I didn't catch her and Carrigan going at it in our bedroom, I was whisked off into Harry Potter Land, and found out that Dumbledore walked in on my mother and supposed father going at it. Naturally, I wound up in the dungeons drinking Firewhiskey and smoking with said supposed father.

"So, D-Dore caught you and my momma doing the horizontal tango?"

"I would appreciate it if you just sat there and said nothing."

"C'mon, Sev-"

"Don't call me that."

"Man, such hostility towards your own _daughter_."

"You are not my daughter."

I sat back in shock. "Well, then..."

I could see his mind working through what to say next. His eyes softened and he reached across the sofa, taking the cigarette from my hand. After taking a long drag, he continued.

"Your mother is a very special woman."

"I know."

"And you obviously took after her when it comes to interrupting. What she and I had was... brilliant, in a word. It was not only a relationship that was great physically-"

"Okay, gross."

"Shut up." He finished off my cigarette and looked at me gravely. "You are my daughter."

"So it would seem."

"And she named you Toby."

"What do you have against Toby?"

"That is a story I do not wish to share with you at this time." He stood up abruptly, wiping the ashes from his immaculate robes. "If you would be so kind as to meet me tomorrow for breakfast, I will introduce you to my partner-"

"You're gay, too?"

His jaw dropped. "Oh, dear Gods... not another one. One gay apprentice was enough."

Cha-ching!

"So... this apprentice of yours..."

"She is no longer my apprentice. She is my partner. And you will meet her in the morning if you can get your lazy arse out of bed by six thirty."

"Dude. I haven't been up that early since high school."

"Get used to it. During the week, we rise at six, shower, have breakfast at six thirty, and get straight to work. I have classes from eight to two thirty, but after that, we return to work until dinner."

"Wait a sec. I don't have a wand. I don't know any spells. I can't brew potions. I do research. I solve crimes."

"That's why you are here."

"What the fuck am I doing here, Snape?"

He sat down next to me, closer this time, and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. Gentle? Snape? Reality is obviously nothing like the books.

"Toby, listen to me. Voldemort has returned-"

"But the book said-!"

"Toby," he said, sterner this time. "The book is fiction! Mere fiction. This is our life. This is real. Voldemort has returned. Harry Potter is not the Boy Who Lived. He is just another bullied adolescent. We need someone who can help us figure out what is happening to the wizarding population. Something is wrong. Very wrong. We need your help, Toby. That is why you are here." He paused. "Please don't cry."

I fell against him and bawled like a baby for the next two hours. About my ex-girlfriend. About my new life. About my old life. About what life still has to offer. And he agreed to let me bring Bret Michaels to live in the dungeons.

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**Two chapters in one day.**

**Sorry for the short length. I write when I get a chance.**

**Reviews are welcome!**


	3. A Muggle Contraption

Speak Slow

**Speak Slow**

**Written by Yours Truly**

**Disclaimer: Nope. **

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**CHAPTER 3 – A Muggle Contraption**

_Except roll down the window _

_And let the wind blow _

_Back your hair _

_Well the night's busting open _

_These two lanes will take us anywhere _

_We got one last chance to make it real _

_To trade in these wings on some wheels _

_Climb in back _

_Heaven's waiting on down the tracks_

"_Thunder Road" – Bruce Springsteen_

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Toby woke up multiple times during her first long night at Hogwarts. The dungeons were the coldest areas of the castle, full of unidentifiable sounds and draft winds that blew through her new surroundings, engulfing her in a blanket of shadows.

The morning was much better, however, as Toby finally met her father's lab partner.

"Hot damn!"

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"Can you please pass the creamer?'

"Nope."

Severus rolled his eyes at my immature antics and whisked the cream his way. Stupid magic. He promised to teach me some basic skills throughout the day. That is, of course, after he takes me to Ollivander's Wand Shop. I get a wand today! My excitement rivaled any teen girl's feelings when told that the Jonas Brothers would be playing at her high school prom. Oh, yeah. I was stoked.

"Severus?"

My ears perked at the new voice. Oh my God... is that...?

"In the kitchen," my father replied. My father. Wow, that was still weird.

I looked up and my jaw nearly dropped to the ground. Curly, honey amber hair that fell right below her shoulders. Chocolate brown eyes whose twinkle matched that of Albus Dumbledore. And that oh so supple body that danced as she walked our way. Hermione Granger.

"Hot damn!" I blushed profusely, embarrassed at my sudden outburst.

Severus merely smirked. "Good morning, Hermione. May I introduce you to my daughter?"

"Your what?" That voice... like silk.

"Hermione, this is Toby. Toby, this is my partner, Hermione Granger."

"It's, um, nice to meet you," I told her, finally finding my voice.

"And you, as well." She held her hand out to me as a greeting. Severus watched our exchange with a bemused expression. Oh, he was going to have so much fun with this. Bastard. Regardless of his smirk, I took Hermione's hand in mine and smiled politely. Well, I hope it was a polite smile and the drool emerging from my gaping mouth was only in my imagination.

"You two do realize there is one other person in this room, correct?" Severus drawled.

"Shut. Up," I demanded through clenched teeth, breaking the connection between two pairs of curious brown eyes.

"So, Toby, what brings you here?" Hermione conjured a chair and joined us at the breakfast table.

"No idea." I met Severus' glare and threw my hands up in defense. "What? It's true! I got an owl from Dumbledore and he just showed up at my house! He just 'bout swept me off my feet."

"Well, I do declare," Hermione added dramatically.

I paused, a forkful of eggs hovering in the air, and grinned at Severus. "I like her."

"I can tell," he muttered in reply. "I believe now is as good as a time as any to go retrieve your wand, Toby. Hermione, would you care to join us?"

"Oh, no. That seems to be a father-daughter thing-"

"Hermione," I interrupted, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

"Good. Me, too. Let's just consider this as two women hanging out. We just happen to have a creepy, middle-aged stalker."

Her laugh twinkled in my ear all the way to Diagon Alley.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"What about this one?"

I took the next wand Ollivander handed me, my obvious disheartenment written on my face. We'd been at the shop for nearly two hours. Hermione had long ago fallen asleep in the corner, while Severus watched on, intrigued by my complete and utter failures.

I gave the wand a subtle flick, not even the slightest bit surprised when nothing happened. I tossed the thirteenth wand into the growing discard pile and looked at Severus pathetically.

"I'm not your daughter," I muttered. "I'm just another Muggle."

His head fell to his chest and I could hear him take a deep breath. "Toby..."

"No, it's true! I've gone through thirteen wands and haven't even produced sparks. I only work in a lab. A crime lab, not a potions lab."

"Ollivander?"

"Yes, sir, Professor Snape?"

"Will you give my daughter an exact replica of my own wand?"

"Yes, sir. Just give me one moment." And with that, he retreated to the back of the shop.

"Your wand isn't evil, is it?" I asked, a little worried about what would be placed in my hand.

"Do you think me to be evil?"

"No! Course not. I was always defending you when my friends said you were evil."

"You defended me without knowing me, Toby. I have the capacity to be quite evil."

"Oh, you're so threatening. You're my dad. I don't care what you do."

A flicker of surprise mixed with – what was that? Anger? – flashed across his face, but his stony mask slid back into place when Ollivander returned.

"Here it is," he announced, placing a beautiful wand on the counter in front of me. "Ebony and dragon heartstring."

I took the wand carefully and could immediately feel the power.

"Wow. Intense," I muttered. I barely raised the wand and almost freaked out when I saw boxes flying all around me.

"I do believe this is the right wand," Ollivander stated, his eyes glowing.

I turned to see Severus watching my moves with a small smile on his face.

Like father, like daughter.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

After deciding upon the perfect wand, the three of us gathered at the Hog's Head, a favorite watering hole of Severus' choosing. Drinking the most delightful ale, we chattered about the little things: new potions discoveries, what I did in the crime lab, and why I chose to name my dog after the lead singer of a frizzled 80's hair band. When Severus got up to use the restroom, I turned my attention to Hermione.

"Do you want to go for a ride?"

She shook her head violently. "No, no. Absolutely not. I'm afraid of heights."

I grinned, remembering that fact from the books. "No, I mean, a car ride."

"You have a car?"

"I am a Muggle."

Her face broke into the brightest smile I've ever seen. "Let's do it."

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

I turned the radio up as loud as it could go, letting the rough timbre of the Boss himself drown out all worries and wishes of the world around us as we drove through my California neighborhood. I ignored the strange looks we received; after all, I was born in Jersey. Bruce _was_ my God.

I pulled into a cafe and turned to Hermione. "Want some coffee?"

"Dinner starts in twenty minutes, Toby. We should be getting back."

"Do you really think they'd miss us?"

"I have never once been late to dinner-"

"Bullshit, you haven't."

"If you'd kindly let me finish a sentence, Miss Fellows." She smirked and it reminded me of my father. She'd obviously been spending too much time with him. "I have never once been late for dinner _since I became a professor_."

"What do you teach?"

"Transfiguration."

"But I thought McGonagall taught that."

"Nope, she's Headmistress."

"What the hell is going on here?"

She laughed her twinkling laugh. "Albus is no longer Headmaster. He retired shortly after the Final Battle to pursue his study of international wizarding societies. He still lives at Hogwarts, but you'll rarely find him there. Once he left, Minerva took his place and I, then, took her teaching spot."

"Oh, well... that's cool." I put the car in reverse, getting ready to head back to my house. "We should probably get going then."

"Yes." She paused. "However... I wouldn't mind getting a tour of your home."

My lips spread into a shit-eating grin and I gunned it back to my house, singing "Thunder Road" at the top of my lungs.

She ain't a beauty, but hey, she's all right.

And that's all right with me.


End file.
